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Is University for me?

Sunday, 6 March 2016

So what happens when your dream suddenly isn't your dream anymore? When you finally accomplish that one goal you've had set your whole life and it just doesn't feel right?
Before I even knew what I wanted to study at university I knew I that I wanted it to be at AUB so when I was finally offered a place on their BA (Hons) Makeup for Media & Performance course, it finally felt like everything was falling into place for me.

Very early into 2015 I was feeling a little lost. Everyone around me had already figured out who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do and I still had no idea. I felt as though my life had become stagnant. It just felt as though I  wasn't investing anything into myself. The person I saw in the mirror wasn't the person i'd hoped to be. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing the reflection of a stranger. The thing that bothered me most was the feeling of missing connections. I was existing in a little bubble; everything was a little repetitive and a little mundane. 

For me, connections could only be created by getting out and experiencing the world. I needed to live rather than exist. I needed to connect with the world. It was as though my soul was reaching out with nothing to make contact with. I needed new places and new people. I also needed to put myself on a path that would actually lead somewhere. It was like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Everything looked so narrow and far away. I needed something that would turn that around. Something that would open up my view of the world and my prospects. 

I've always aspired to go to university so it felt like the right step for me to be taking. I was so in love with Bournemouth and AUB that not once did I consider the possibility that I would hate the whole experience yet 2 months into the degree that’s exactly where I found myself.

The course was so intense I found that everything I was doing involving makeup was now pressured and forced. When I wasn't in uni I was sat in my room constantly working in an attempt to stay on top of my work load, something that I still struggled to do despite having no time to myself.

I also began to look to the future. With artistic career aspirations nothing is ever guaranteed. With such specialized industries jobs can be so few and far between. The potential instability I was setting myself up for began to scare me, something I’m sure every artist has experienced at some point in their journey.

When I finally got to go home for Christmas everything felt different for me. I hated being broke, I despised the intensity of everything and I was scared by the prospect of achieving nothing at the end of the whole thing. Speaking to my makeup girls we decided that maybe, after everything, turning a hobby into a career was potentially the worst thing we could have done.

Looking at how little enjoyment I was getting from the course coupled with being surrounded by people I love throughout the festivities of Christmas I decided I wanted to quit. I messaged the girls, contacted the uni and when I packed my bags to return to Bournemouth I had every intention of the return being temporary... yet, 3 months on from this point I’m still here in Bournemouth. 

Every time I’d fall asleep certain that quitting was the right thing to do I’d wake up feeling uneasy. Something just didn’t feel right and being someone that tends to rely on gut feeling for almost every decision I make, I just couldn’t bring myself to actually quit.

For a while I still wasn't sure that what I was doing was right for me but little by little I began to fall back in love with the subject. I decided to stop stressing and just take each day as it comes and gradually things have got better. 

If you fall out of love with something you adore, don’t be afraid to walk away. Things change and life changes but also be sure to give yourself time. Sometimes feelings are temporary and even when your heart decides its not as invested in something as it once was, its not always going to be that way for ever. 

A lot of people experience these feelings when they first begin university and for some people, quitting is the making of them. Don’t be scared to reevaluate a life choice even if at one time, it was everything you wanted. Whatever feels right for you at the time usually is.

   I guess the main purpose to this post is a note to my self. As a little reminder.  If you no longer love something don’t force it. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something despite having no clue what your next step will be and most importantly... always trust your gut.

I still have moments where I hate how my degree makes me feel but when I think ahead and realize the potential career I could have everything feels right. And I guess maybe, just maybe after everything, I’m beginning to enjoy it just a little bit. 

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